I stopped sleeping in 2005. Sometimes more sleep. Sometimes less sleep. Never good sleep.
Lexi was a great little sleeper as a baby. Sleeping through the night at 7 weeks. Lexi was born in 2003, I was a mom, and I slept.
Brooklyn was born in 2005. Brooklyn didn’t sleep. Brooklyn vomited. Brooklyn couldn’t lay flat. Brooklyn started vomiting at three months old and it didn’t calm down until she was a year old and Phoenix Children’s Hospital helped us.
In 2006 Lexi was diagnosed with asthma. Nights were always worse. If she couldn’t settle, she couldn’t sleep. Then she’s have anxiety over not sleeping. Then she could only sleep if I was close, and even then it would take hours. I was still stubborn. No kids in the bed. So I’d lay on her floor.
In 2014 Lexi got a growth plate penetrating spiral fracture of both bones in her left arm playing football. Lexi had four surgeries in her arm over the next six months. I said screw the no kid in the bed. I was exhausted.
Through all that Brooklyn kept vomiting. In 2016 she had stomach surgery. It helped finally. But it triggered something else. An anxiety that was probably always there.
I also had three major abdominal surgeries, resulting in 21 days in the hospital over two years, during this time. Including a ruptured appendix that I “thought would pass” before having Adam rush me to the hospital. Never once even taking more than vacation/sick days.
In 2018 Lexi had stomach surgery. She was also diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. Scared, sick, in pain, no sleep.
When everyone is quiet, and sleeps, I worry. I worry about their physical health. I worry about their mental health. I worry about their spiritual health. I worry about my parents . I worry about money. I worry about work. I worry about their education.
Lexi needs a sleep study. Brooklyn has a CF test pending.
So I write. I write so I can let things go. I write as a release. I write so that I can take a deep breath.
I think the biggest impact to me, in all this, is patience. I lack the patience that I used to have. I have sympathy and empathy for those that need it. I’m patient with my family. You’d probably never know I lack patience. But I do. I lack patience for drama. Lack patience for forced relationships. Lack patience for attention seeking. Lack patience for unnecessary complications.
I’m going to say, before someone else says it, isn’t blogging seeking attention? Well, my theory is that it’s my therapy, and you don’t have to click the link to read it.
I don’t usually say the things that I blog about to my friends or family. I’m not defined by any illness or pain. We keep our personal social media accounts separate , and rarely talk about anything heavy. No one needs to carry our burdens. Sure I’ll talk about these things when they come up, but for the deep stuff you can choose what you want to read.
My parents don’t read the blog. Our siblings don’t read the blog. 95.% of the people who will read our blogs we don’t even know. But as Brooklyn says maybe it will help someone else. Maybe right now, somewhere in the world, another mom is going through something similar.
Goodnight All. This therapy session helped. I’m tired ❤️